How To Deal With Toxic Relationships and move forward or put up healthy boundaries with dignity, grace and love :)

"It's sad when someone you know becomes someone you knew"

~Henry Rollins~

Especially family :(

" I don't regret my past I just regret the time I've wasted with the wrong people!"

 How To Deal With Toxic Relationships and move forward or put up  healthy  boundaries  for yourself with dignity, grace and love :)

3/12/13  Lesson today:  Don't be discouraged if there are days when you faulter and get sucked into someone else's negative drama.  Today is a new day.  Be grateful for the good days and also for the bad ones (life lessons happen every day).... and especially notice the fact that most of your days are filled with love and joy.

And when you defend yourself against other people's insanity you become insane too."  [LOL! this is what I did yesterday - it's good to be able to laugh at yourself,  we are only human after all]

So remember:  

3/14/2013

3/11/13

I often use this analogy with my clients....
Relationships, no matter whether it's personal or professional, are like joint emotional bank accounts. If both are not making deposits, or one is constantly depleting the account, and not making adequate deposits to replenish the account.....then it's time to take that persons name OFF that account. Shut 'em out...protect your emotional "currency"
Life is too short to share an emotional account with someone who steals from you !!  - Katie Maxwel-King
♥ 

 

3/11/13  My youngest continues to have some difficulty here and there about the odd family rift below.  He had to come home from school on 2/26 he was so upset about it all.  Since the latest incident below, I noticed him playing a song over and over called "Don't you worry child" by Swedish Mafia.  This morning I downloaded the song (it's catchy and fun -- thought it would be a good running song).  I listened to the words for the first time and couldn't stop crying.  I now realize this has been a coping song for him.  I love you Zack - I'm listening and Chris and I are always here for you, buddy -- don't you worry my sweet child, heaven's got a plan for you.

 "Don't You Worry Child"

There was a time
I used to look into my father's eyes.
In a happy home
I was a king, I had a gold throne.
Those days are gone,
Now the memory's on the wall.
I hear the songs
From the places where I was born.

Upon the hill across the blue lake,
That's where I had my first heartbreak.
I still remember how it all changed.
My father said,
"Don't you worry, don't you worry, child.
See heaven's got a plan for you.
Don't you worry, don't you worry now."
Yeah!

Link to "Don't You worry child"

http://youtu.be/r1MN4pR5wXM

Remember sons - What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger:  http://youtu.be/CH_dWijufDo

*Good info in link below on how to (kindly) deal with negative people

Click here:  How To Deal With Negative People - 10 Strategies

Here's another great article about Energy Vampires: Who They Are & How To Ditch Them.  Click on or copy and past this link:
 http://www.mindbodygreen.com/0-7212/energy-vampires-who-they-are-how-to-ditch-them.html 

 How I dealt with loss on top of loss on top of loss

by Cydney  (Rough draft stage)

Never be bullied into silence. 
Never allow yourself to be made a victim. 
Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself.
Harvey Fierstein

2/26  Feeling quite sad today about strange things that have happened with close people in our lives that have become too toxic and unhealthy to be with.  The collection of quotes and memes below keep me grounded and help me remember what and who is important in our lives.  The most important thing is for me to be able to help A & Z through this destructive  and unusual circumstance that has been going on in our own family.  In the beginning (after Kevin's death and beyond) I continued to do my best to foster a good relationship with Kevin's family - especially for my children's sake.  They were the ones that could help keep Kevin's memory alive - tell stories and be there to support and love A & Z.  Then I remarried.  And from that point on I had to begin to shield and protect them from the sadness of this type of unnecessary loss - also called "emotional abandonment".  It happen slowly, at first.  Chris and I continued to welcome them to our home and I continued to invite ourselves to the sisters home.  The visits happened to begin with (not often - but some).  Then not at all (including communication).  I had to protect my boys from this pain.  They were wondering why all this was happening.  I tried to shield them from the truth.  I  would say things like "they are very busy" or "Grandma is too sick" but after years of this, A & Z were able to conclude things on their own.  Something had to give.  The pain needed to stop.  After all,  we all had enough to deal with and heal from after the loss of their father/my husband.  Now, not only had we suffered from the loss of death of loved ones but also from the loss of living loved ones.    This kind of loss of people still living  is a loss of a totally different kind.  If feels awful -- we felt and feel shunned and very hurt.    I know Kevin would be so disappointed by what has and has not transpired.  I know he would say there is no excuse for his own family members to abandon his children.  Sometimes I think -- sheesh, is it because of me?  Is it because I remarried?  Is it because we had some misunderstandings and a few disagreements after Kevin died?    But, even if it were something like that there would still be no excuse for not seeing for boys.  No excuse for taking there (possible) dislike of me out on our children.  So, even if I were some kind of bitch (which of course I'm not) it would still not justify their lack of presence in our lives.  Even if they disagreed with something I did or said -- I can still see no justification or excuse for not being in the boys lives.    For goodness sakes, most divorced families I know work to make thing amicable for the kids sake (?!).   We have all suffered deeply from the loss of Kevin.  It seems these family members act as if they are the only ones that have/are hurting over all of this.  Otherwise, things wouldn't be as they have been/are.  I remember one of Kevin's family members had the nerve to say to me "You've moved on, Cyd.  You have replaced Kevin with Chris.  The boys will have another father and you will have another husband.  We can't have another brother."  This is a good example of someone who doesn't understand the grief of a widow and her children.   Kevin can't nor will he ever be replaced by someone else.  Any grievance counselor or any widow will tell you that no one replaces their lost love.  The hurt and loss from death of a spouse/parent continues for a lifetime.  However, it all depends on how you end up choosing to live the rest of your life.  It depends on how much you let grief "take over".    Eventually I had to ask myself:  Do you want to live in the land of the living and happy? Or do you want to live in dispare and continuous grief?  I chose the former for my children and myself.  It made a lot  sense for me to choose to eventually move forward and do my best to be a happy and a loving person for the sake of my boys and for myself and for my new family.

  In a nutshell, in such a case as this, you just don't abandon your family -- especially young boys who have lost their father.  Who knows what it was all about BUT no matter what reason they have it just can't never justify their absence and unkindness. It's all very strange.  I may never understand it nor will my children.  Chris and I were just talking yesterday about how sad it is that these family members and (once close) friends have missed out on so much of A & Z's lives.   So much has happened in their lives - they are such great kids... so smart, handsome and mannerisms just like Kevin.  They have missed most of their growing up in the last 5 years.  And Chris and I (at the same time) are heartbroken to have missed out on my niece, Grandma and our estranged friends children's lives because of this unnecessary rift between our families. But, we will perservere-- and we will move forward in love and happiness yet again.

So in addition to A, Z and I  losing father/my husband, we also lost of family and friends still living - strangely enough, these happen to only be some members of Kevin's family and a few of his friends.  Blood relatives of the boys (?)  WTF?   For whatever reason they started distancing themselves (it all began in 2007 after I remarried).  Things were fine before that.  Everyone was kind and nurturing to one another  --- just as they were before Kevin died.  Then, poof!  Gone.  This is the kind of  loss I never would have dreamed of in a million years.  Very odd indeed.  This was the type of loss I would have never expected nor would I ever want for the boys.  As I noticed this happening, I tried desperately to not let happen.  For instance, I pleaded with our long time friends to remain "just aquaintences" for our kids sake.  Anyhow, years went by and things just got worse.  I would call and call and try to get together with Kevin's family.  Little by little we saw less and less of them and heard less and less from them.  As Chris said "why are you the one always calling, Cyd?"  and "why are you the one always trying to make arrangements to get together with them?"  My entire family told me they were acting strange and to just give up.  They actually told me they felt their odd behavior was not healthy for A & Z.  But, I didn't listen.   I didn't want to give up for the boys sake.   But, the door was shut and was made next to impossible to open. I became very sad and then angry about it all.  I knew they would never behave this way if there brother was alive.  Anyhow, Chris and I continued to leave the door open and continued to try throughout all these years by inviting ourselves to visit (often cancelled by them at the last minute) and inviting them here and  offering for them to stay was us for any occassion.  Sometimes they said they couldn't get together because grandma was sick another time because my niece was not there (?)  I ask myself over and over, would they have cancelled this many times or not seen us (for two years now) if Kevin was alive? The answer is 100% "NO".  Because when Kevin was alive we visited no matter what the circumstance (Grandma in hosptial, someone else sick, etc.  Fact is that it used to not matter.  They seem to only consider us family when Kevin was alive.

 A couple years ago I  wrote a letter expressing that I could not understand why they were doing this and asked what was going on (?)  I pretty much got a "guilt trip" type letter back.   I communicated this to one sister (b) (who is less toxic) and said that I could not be around sister (a) for a while because she was exhibiting an unhealthy attitude towards me.  It was upsetting and depressing me.  But, I said, I feel it is very important that the boys continue to see you all.  This incident of being honest seem to be what entirely shut the door because we haven't seen sister (a) for 2 years and have only seen sister (b) once.  I drove all the way to VA beach so that the boys could have an hour lunch with sister b!  This was becoming too much and too weird.

 I kept trying to open the door; and then I too (about a year ago) gave up calling and communicating as much.   Anyhow, all in all, too much time went by through the all of these years (starting in 2007).  And, as I said, we didn't see one particular family member for 2 years.   It was damaging to me and my children.  The boys were confused and sad.   I wondered, how could they feel close to their Aunts and other family members of Kevin's if they never saw them?  Anyhow, I kept hoping things would change and that Kevin's family would have a change of heart and re-enter our lives.  I didn't want to have to have a "'discussion" about this painful situation with A & Z.  I did not want them to feel unwanted or experience the pain of loss, yet again.  But, you know what, I didn't have to.  The sisters (a & b) expressed everything by their absence.  And one sister (a) in particular sent "guilt trip" text and FB messages mainly Austin on several occasions.  Sadly, the sisters brought this on themselves - but of course would never realize or admit to themselves that they had anything to do with it.  Gotta save face.  It's natural for most people to do this.  It must be terribly painful for them to admit that they abandoned their nephews.

But A & Z are smart boys and over the years they have figured things out about this scenario on their own (by experiencing the above).  Anyhow, sadly, it has all come to a head in the past few days and a total realization of the above (especially for A).   Now they are again sad and angry over loss --  this time a loss of the living -  Kevin's family.  Just today, Zack called me from school.  He had been crying about the above loss in several classes.  One teacher sent him to the school counselor.  Then Z  called home crying.   This scenario is so not good for my boys.  So, I've come to the awful realization that (because of Kevin's families odd behavior) the boys, particulary because they are currently in a fragile state of mind,  should not have any communication with Kev's family.  How sad is that?  Too sad for me to bare today.  I probably should have made this break from them long ago (when my family was telling me I should).  I kept thinking that Kevin would want me to maintain contact with them (of course I would because that how it should be -- under "normal" circumstances).  But, part of me knew that my family was right,  they are nothing like Kevin.  They have not acted as he would have wanted or acted were he in this situation.  Kevin was a devoted and loving father -- his family was everything to him, his sisters, mother, nieces were always number one.  Family came first -- that was his motto.   As he would often say to Austin and Zack,  "I've got your back buddy" --- he would never leave us (except in death).  He would be perplexed and very saddened by all of the above.

As you can tell,  I have pondered and reflected on this quite a bit. I've prayed many times through the years about all of this.  I  I've come to the realization that Kevin would not want them to be exposed to such manipulation and alienation - even with his family.  His number one concern would be his boys and their mental health.  Anyhow, It's all been so heartbreaking.  Kevin's mother is still alive and is an innocent in all of this.  So is my dear niece.  Such a sad loss for us and so uncalled for.

Well, this week my prayers were answered with a big exclamation point.  Like a smack on the head really.  I think they had been answered many times but I just wasn't listening.  So sorry God.   Prayers aren't always answered as you wish though.  So I finally get it -- the answered prayer is to walk away, trudge forward and to pray for love for all concerned  and pray for healing for all concerned.  That is all we can do about this weird situation for now.  Previously, I left the door wide open and it was shut in my face over and over.  I keep hearing the words "emotional alienation" - that's what a psychologist called it .  It's a passive aggressive form of abuse the boys and I have been subjected to.  We definitely don't need that in our lives.

So with a peaceful and loving heart I say this to anyone facing anything like the above,  just remember what I've had to learn the hard way.  I've learned that sometimes it is better to "let go and let God."   So, be true to yourself, defend your children against any type of family alienation and abandonment, steer clear of those make you feel guilty and tell untruths; and beware of those  who expose themselves as hypocrites.  Instead surround yourself with healthy minded and loving people that value you and love you as you are. Instead choose peace, love and forgiveness.  

 For peace and  for in the world,  choose love. :)

Above all know that:  

"God knows who belongs in your life and who doesn't, trust and let go.  

Whoever is meant to be there will still be there."

Be grateful for  life lessons that are placed in your path.  It's easy to get in a self pity mode and say "why me"?     It's very easy to give oneself a "victim" label.  Don't go there, if you can help it or you could remain stuck with the "victim" label

 I have learned a great deal from all of the above.  I've learned who to trust and who not to trust.  I've learned who you can count on.  I've learned to be stronger for my children and myself.  I've learned to love myself enough to walk away from unhealthy situations.  I have learned to forgive and move forward.  Hopefully, through my example, my children will learn the same.   I know (in the very least) my children and I are stronger, more compassionate and more loving as a result of having the above life lesson.

Here are a collection of memes that have helped me "deal" over the years with unhealthy and/or toxic people.  Hopefully, A & Z can embrace, understand and more forward from the loss of this  "living" family.    I love you A & Z.  We are tough,  we will perservere.  We've been through so much together and we can get through this together as well, my sweet boys.

 

So, the lesson we have learned from all of the above is to set up healthy boundaries and if necessary be strong enough to let go and walk away from unhealthy and unhappy situations.  Then learn to be grateful for the lesson the situation taught you .... love and forgive everyone, including yourself.

 

3/11/13 (a letter to one of Kevin's sisters written by my mother.  One day the boys may want to see the wise and loving words by Omie)

Dear  XXX,


 I am 82 years old and during this whole experience, I have envisioned my job as a part of an agency/clan/family that operates within the larger system of laws. The members of this clan have expanded as Cyd and Michele grew to become adults.  The mission statement is to ensure the safety, health and spiritual happiness of all members and to accept new members if they wanted to participate.  First, Marshall was welcomed when he and Michele were married.  When they divorced, we did not let him go.  I told his mom that he would always be a member of this family.  We just buried him at Arlington last week.  Then came Kevin and he was a very important member of our family and I have kept him there with stories and quilts.  The boys still honor him.  At Thanksgiving, we were gathered lighting candles to anyone we wanted to.  Austin lit one for his dad and Zack lit one for family.    I loved that Kevin  honored everything about his boys.  He honored their individuality. When Austin was being tested due to his hyper personality, I remember Kevin saying, "I don;t want his personality changed, We love him just as he is."  I agreed and remember how, from the very first, Austin was a participant in life. When I was with him, I would tell him stories, silly stories, sometimes with a moral.  He would interrupt, something the kindergarten teacher didn't like, but I loved. Jumping up and down, he changed the name of the little boy who made a bad choice to say, "I know, let's call him Excruciating Delivious."  He named his bro Deluxe Delivious.   I think I was having more fun than Austin.  As he has grown, I notice that he has his Dad's hands.  I find it delightful that where Kevin used his hands in excelling in golf and other sports, while Austin is using his hands to excel on the guitar.  Kevin would be proud of both boys.  Zack's coach said, "Zack has good hands," so he probably inherited Kevin's hands, too.
The reason I am telling you this is I am sorry that your grief for Kevin has interfered with Austin's progress.  We didn't recognize it at first, but it has come to the surface.  It is easy to underestimate Austin's ability to take things in.  This is difficult to explain but going back to Kevin's death, someone said to Austin, "now you are the man of the house."  Poor little nine year old boy started trying to take care of everyone.  Cyd kept telling him that was her job. but Austin started calling himself "Zack's interpreter" because Zack's grief caused him to stop talking.  The grief counselor told Cyd that since Austin was not able to grieve (due to his self imposed duties, I guess) that it would come later in life.  That may be what is happening now.  And in facing that he feels that guilt has been placed on him and an expectation that he still fill his dad's shoes, be like his dad."  He loved his dad but he wants to be Austin.  He has gone through the stages of development until now he is ready to assert himself as an individual.  It was upsetting to Cyd that you have said things to him that carried messages of guilt, but she didn't know that Austin was taking it that way until now.  He wanted to please more than most children.  It has been very painful for Cyd and the boys, and she has had to try to overcome a lot of things that she thought were harmful to the boys.  She  is the best advocate for her boys, and I think they  see that.  However, you made it plain at the funeral that you planned to cancel her out.  We thought it was just grief but when she married Chris, it was plain that you wanted a relationship with the boys but not her and Chris.  I don't know why.  Kevin would have liked Chris had they known each other.  He has been a great father to the boys. 
You do not want to be a member of our clan.  You may think it is bazaar but we added Sanja, Marshall's second wife from Croatia. We have not added his third wife because, like you,  she didn't want to be a member of our family.  The difference in family harmony is noticeable.   We have not added you because you set the tone at Kevin's funeral.  We thought it was temporary because I have found that death of a loved one brings out temporary weirdness in people sometimes.  Several things were said that hurt Cyd at a time when she needed support.  It was hard for her but I am proud of how she grew and only put Austin's and Zack's welfare above her own. Then she found Chris, a wonderful person who has kept Kevin's name and life in the conversation.  But he treats each boy as an individual with their own talents, never making them feel guilty for not being their dad.  The boys love him and think of him as their dad. 
I am sorry that it has worked out this way.  My experience  experience with loving Sanja shows me that it could have been so much better for the children, but it was your choice  I don't know why you have thought of Chris as a reason the boys would forget their father.  You have never expressed it, but it was there and it has hurt the boys, not Chris. 
**********************************************************************

 

 

 

This statement below is very true in our circumstance....

We have a GUILT FREE ZONE in our house.  Please respect this.

It took me a life time of unnessary heartache, grief, and sadness to finally get this wise and simple messages....

 

Try to remember that:

 

Also, some of us can also relate and benefit from reading this article about Narcissistic Personality Disorder.   Enjoy a life free of a narcissist!   Amen to that ;D     http://forum2.aimoo.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/m/THE-NARCISSIST-Read-Only/20-Traits-of-Malignant-Narcissistic-Personality-Disorder-1-285326.html 


Conflict ideas for dealing with a person that has Narcissistic Personality Disorder:

LOL!  If you don't laugh, you will cry ;)