Knowing When to Let Someone Go.... Freeing Yourself by Madyson Taylor

Knowing when to end a relationship and acknowledging that the pain will pass can often prevent greater pain in the long run. 

Just as a good relationship can have a positive impact on your life, stressful, draining, or imbalanced relationships can have negative effects on your health and well-being. It’s common to maintain a relationship because we feel the other person needs us or we believe that they will eventually change. We may also be afraid of hurting the other person or feel insecure in our ability to find new relationships. When this relationship is a family member it can be even more difficult to sever unhealthy ties.  But knowing when to end a relationship and acknowledging that the pain will pass can often prevent greater pain and feelings of loss in the long run. 

If you’re in a relationship that isn’t satisfying or one that has become unhealthy for you, rather than spending energy attempting to fix the problem or complaining, ask yourself what you really want from the relationship. Consider whether the other person truly considers your feelings or if they are willing to change their behavior. Ask yourself if you’ve often thought about ending the relationship or if you feel your bonds have atrophied. While every relationship has ups and downs, when there are more downs than ups or the two of you are bringing out the worst in each other, it may be time to sever the connection. Be honest with yourself and your answers, even if the truth is painful. 

Relationships thrive on honesty, communication, mutual caring, and time spent together. When one or more of these elements are missing, it may be that the relationship, no matter how passionate, simply isn’t worth it. It’s far better to end a relationship that doesn’t feel right than to hold on to it and languish in feelings of anger or resentment. Moving on without struggle, on the other hand, can be the door that leads you to a more nurturing relationship in the future

On Moving Forward from Loss by Michelle Steinke

"It's always interesting to me when people use the phrase "move on" or they tell me that my remembrance of my late husband is a slight on my new husband. 

Listen, grief is not a 5 step process and new experiences, joy, or love do not end grief. 

Case in point, at dinner tonight my 6 year old son asked me a question about Mitch. I answered and he followed it up with: 

"Mommy, I wish my Daddy was still alive".

This was said in front of my new hubby and our combined kids. No slight intended by his innocent statement. Just the reality of a baby boy missing his Dad in Heaven. 

There is no moving on - there is just moving forward into a new normal. Yes it is possible to honor the past while embracing the present. Yes it is possible to grieve while living happily beyond loss. The two are never mutually exclusive."

~Michelle Steinke

About

Michelle Steinke, trainer, speaker, and founder of 1fw is here to encourage everyone to ignite their fire for life after great loss. www.onefitwidow.com

A beautiful writing about loss and grief by Michelle Steinke

"5 and a half years ago the sun came up on a beautiful October morning. Nearly everyone in this world went about their business, complained about little petty problems, and missed opportunities to say I love you to the people that mean the most. 

In my little corner of the world time stood still. I was experiencing a deep pain that I can not put into words, an agony that ripped at my soul, and took me to the a depth of emotions that few can understand at such a young age. My best friend had taken a flight on a cool morning and never returned.  

Despite my disbelief the sun came up the next day and it has come up every single day since. People's lives returned to normal and mine was forever altered. This was not a reality I asked for but it was a path I was thrown on in the most careless of ways.

Today, as I watched the sun rise I thought of those who might be living a similar reality today and how their hearts hurt in ways words do no justice. The hustle and bustle of life takes over and we forget that our problems and daily struggles are very small compared to the struggles of many.  

My thought for those who are in pain today is this.....

Life can and will be beautiful again in time. The timing of your new journey depends 100% on you. Grief has no timeline that keeps a score of right or wrong. Grief is as individual as a fingerprint. However, you must be open to new life in order to move forward from active grieving. You must be willing to live post loss.

My thoughts for those who are stressing the small things today....

Ask yourself if it will matter in a year before you decide to waste a moment of anger, sadness, or regret on the situation. Most of life's small struggles are just lessons in disguise so open up your mind to your teachers and recognize how you can grow.

Life is beautiful for me today not because it is perfect but because I've lived with enough pain to recognize what's worth true anguish and what is not.  

Much love to you all...."

~Michelle

May you Always Feel Loved (an Irish blessing for my children ....

10/17/2013

Dear Austin and Zack,

I found this writing in a book I picked up (it sounds a bit like an Irish blessing).  Immediately I thought of my precious boys.  I’m incredibly proud of you two and love you very much. 

Love,
Mom

May You Always Feel Loved (Irish Blessing for my children)

May you find serenity and tranquility in a world you may not always understand.

May the pain you have known and the conflict you have experienced give you the strength to walk through life facing each new situation with courage and optimism.

Always know that there are those whose love and understanding will always be there, even when you feel most alone.

May you discover enough goodness in others to believe in a world of peace.

May a kind word, a reassuring touch, and a warm smile be yours every day of your life,
And may you give these gifts as well as receive them.

Remember the sunshine when the storm seems unending.

Teach love to those who hate, and let that love embrace you as you go out into the world. 

May the teachings of those you admire become part of you, so that you may call upon them.

Remember those whose lives you have touched and whose have touched yours are always a part of you,
even if the encounters were less than you would have wished.
It is the content of the encounter that is more important than the form.

May you not become too concerned with material matters, but instead place immeasurable value on the goodness in your heart.

Find time each day to see beauty and love in the world around you.

Realize that each person has limitless abilities, but each of us is different in our own way.
What you feel you lack in the present may become one of your strengths in the future.

May you see your future as one filled with promise and possibility.

Learn to view everything as a worthwhile experience

May you find enough inner strength to determine your own worth by yourself,
And not be dependent on anothers judgment of your accomplishments.

May you always feel loved

~ Author Unknown

In memory of Kevin videos ....

 I was thinking of my late husband Kevin today.  Sometimes I watch a video or look at a picture that makes me smile.  I'm sharing one of the videos that I made shortly after he died below. 
My children, Chris and I still watch these Kevin videos and look at photos from time to time.  Chris (My husband) understands this and is very supportive.  We keep Kevin's memory alive.  We remember but we don't live in the past.  
As a fellow widow once said "I love my husband but think of [and love] my first"  
  
  To view copy and paste link to your browser:  Hawaii ...   http://youtu.be/IIRN3wqF-30

Family .... http://youtu.be/KiUfKAC_NAE

Kevin and Cyd's baby boys .... http://youtu.be/KiUfKAC_NAE

Forget me never .... informative article about widowhood by Carol Brody Fleet

Forget-Me-Never: The Reality Of Remarriage After Widowhood

Posted: 07/15/2013 8:07 am

A few months ago, a well-known and much respected actor mentioned in an interview that he still thinks about his late wife. People were shocked at this "stunning revelation", as the same actor has been happily remarried for a number of years.
This sort of "shocked" reaction begs an obvious question. Since when did remarriage become an equation formula that reads:

Remarried = Forgetting
This latest in a long line of widowed-myths implies that once remarried, the life previously lived somehow fades into oblivion because the widowed has now found new life with new love in it. Because of this new life, the remarried widowed is apparently never again sad or wistful because their late beloved is no longer here.
Conversely and equally perplexing is the companion myth that once a spouse has passed away, the widowed should assume an attitude that they have "caught their limit"; that once their beloved has passed away, a widowed's destiny is to remain alone and longing for a life that is no longer here to live. A widowed should thereafter resign themselves to functioning in life with grief and mourning as their core and living a destiny that they did not choose.
The reality of spousal loss that is so important for both the widowed and those who surround them to understand is that:
You can honor your past
You can treasure your past
You can and should love your past
You do not have to live in your past
When it comes to love, our hearts are truly without capacity or limits -- if this were not the case, we would each have only one child because how could our hearts possibly expand to love more than one? We all have an infinite capacity to love and should that be a widowed's choice, finding love in a new life can and should absolutely be part of their dynamic.
Love is also not mutually exclusive one of the other. Loving again does not mean that the love for a late beloved somehow goes away. It doesn't. Furthermore, loving again does not dishonor or disrespect the person who is no longer here, nor does it disrespect the memory of that person. This is a concept that can create a fair amount of discord (especially within families) when a widowed finds companionship or love once again.
People who surround the remarried or re-partnered widowed can also interpret newfound happiness as not grieving "right", not having experienced grief at all, completely "forgetting" the past (as if that is even possible) or believing that we have collectively dusted off our hands and are glancing around as if to say, "OK, that's done and over with.... who's next?" The fact is that even in a wonderful new life, things like holidays, birthdays, anniversaries, "angelversaries" (the date of a late spouse's death) and children realizing various life milestones can all serve as painful reminders that someone who a widowed loves without measure is no longer here to celebrate, witness and in general, be a part of a life that was built with love
Almost thirteen years after losing my late husband, I can tell you without reservation that I still love him and I still treasure the life that we had together. However, I have also moved forward into a beautiful new life. Eleven years old when her daddy passed away, our daughter Kendall is now a young adult who enjoys a thriving career. After seven years of widowhood, I met and fell in love with a wonderful man in 2007 (who actually fell in love with me too), we married in 2009 and together, with my fantastic English daughter Michelle, we have built a beautiful blended family. To top it all off, I have the privilege of being on a mission of service and support to others in need.
Now, by living this incredible new life, does that mean that I have forgotten about or betrayed my past life? Absolutely not. Does it mean that after Mike died, I should have stayed inside the house in my pajamas and kept the blinds closed forever? What would that have accomplished? I chose instead to grieve in my way, in my time, help my daughter with and through her own grief recovery and slowly, yet steadily, move into a life of my own design - a design that happily included new love and new adventures to go along with that love.
The love that you have for your late beloved will never go away. Not ever. Not with the passage of time. Not with the introduction of a new person into your life and into your heart. Not with the 8 jillion people around you saying things like, "Well you should be over it by now". I am honoring Mike's legacies of love and service by continuing to move forward; by modeling the best example that I can for my daughters, by serving a community that I love and by building a family and living a life with my Dave, whom I love deeply. By doing all of these things, I am indeed honoring the legacies of love and service that Mike left to us to carry forward.
You can do the same, if and when you choose to do so.
Remarriage does not equal forgetting -- let no one tell you otherwise. Loving again does not imply lack of or the end of love for the past. You are not destined to remain in mourning forever... that isn't why you are here. Embrace and carry forward the legacies that were entrusted to you by your late beloved. If you choose it, living your new life can include companionship... and love. Choose carefully, choose wisely -- and love again abundantly.
Because you can.

In Memory of ..... a poem by Jan Philips (posted on a friend's wall a few days ago) Love it!

In memory of all the dead who gave their lives in any war.

In memory of those who survived but remain broken in body, mind, or soul.

In memory of a sermon on a mount that blessed the peacemakers and those who mourn.

In memory of the activists, artists, and original thinkers who were persecuted 

and imprisoned for the stands they took for peace and justice. 

In memory of all the teachers who said in a thousand different ways: 

Bring peace and light wherever you go.

In memory of the children who need us now to grow up and get along.

In memory of the earth, our forests, our seas, our mountains and rivers, 

our fellow creatures and all their habitats who count on us to do what's right. 

In memory of each of us, waking up slowly to the miracle of our lives.

 Jan Phillps